Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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