you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
be right there i have to get my cape
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
