Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
