Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
