You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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