I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
