u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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