I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
