My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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