im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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