I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Randomize
