im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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