i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
