She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
