My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
