tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
