You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
