Nicole vs. Life
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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