I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
