just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
