i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
