I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
