Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
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