All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
