I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
