The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
