The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
