So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
