Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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