I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
