I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
