Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
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