I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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