so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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