We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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