I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
