I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Randomize
