i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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