You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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