i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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