I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
