I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
