how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
