Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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