just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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