You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
