if you like me you must not know who I am
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
