My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
