i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
