I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
