I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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