My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
